How To Kill a Nigerian Student
A Step-by-Step Manual
What’s up guyyy?
So, you want to kill a Nigerian student? Excellent choice. They’re strong, resilient, and somehow still smiling through the madness, but with the right techniques, you can wear them down. Think of it as a strategic operation: not one fatal blow, but a thousand little cuts. Here’s your foolproof guide:
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Now:
Step 1: Weaponize the Timetable
Arrange lectures at 8:00 am sharp, preferably when there’s no transport, light or water. Make sure to finish at 6:00 pm, then add a random evening test or a Saturday test after a hectic week of lectures. Sleep deprivation is the first nail in the coffin.
Step 2: Use the Power of Unnecessary Courses
Introduce a compulsory course called History of Coconut Studies (HCS 101) worth 3-4 credit units. Make sure it has absolutely no relevance to their department, then fail half the class so they can carry it over till graduation. Easy damage.
Step 3: Master the Art of Bureaucratic Confusion
Want to see a Nigerian student cry? Send them to the ITS, Senate or Student Affairs. Make them queue for six hours only to hear, “The person in charge is not around.” Repeat this thrice. By the fourth visit, they’ll start questioning their will to live.
Step 4: Deploy Lecturers With Main Character Energy
Recruit at least one lecturer who:
Refuses to teach properly but sets killer exams.
Calls attendance at the exact minute the student steps out to buy doughnuts at post office.
Speaks in riddles and marks with mood swings.
or even just a borrowed course or a 1-unit curse lecturer that wants you to pay the most attention to his/her course.
Trust me, emotional assassination is the sweetest method.
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Step 5: Strike at Random Intervals
Call a two-month ASUU strike in the middle of exam week. Let students return just in time for impromptu tests they didn’t know existed. Confusion + uncertainty = premium brain damage.
Step 6: Add Hostel Life as the Final Blow
Seize the power supply, no running water. Toilets then double as chemical weapons. Generator that comes on only when it’s campaign time. If they survive this stage, you’re dealing with a superhuman. Consider retreat.
Becauseeeeee…
Nigerian Students Are Built Different
The truth? Even with all of these lethal methods, Nigerian students don’t die. They adapt. They turn trauma into memes, failure into hustle, and they fight through oppression. So yes, you might break their backs, but somehow… they still graduate (and throw a party after).
To kill a Nigerian student? Nice try. We’re still breathing.
What’s your own “killer experience” as a student?
Reply to this newsletter or share anonymously. Let’s expose every trick in this murderous manual.
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