See, I pray with all my heart that God does not forgive Amaka

Even Jesus wept when he saw what she left in my bathroom

Look, I’m a peaceful man. I mind my business, drink water, charge my phone, and eat what I can afford. I’m not even toxic—I only text two babes "wyd?" at night. I’m the type of guy mothers pray their daughters ignore because I'm not wicked, just unserious.

But that Saturday night?

That night stained my spirit.

It was supposed to be a chill hangout. Just vibes. Me and Amaka. No pressure. We'd been talking since that random Zoom class strike period when Unilag was pretending to be a functioning school. We weren’t dating, but we had that “if we kiss, it’s an accident” energy.

So I planned small soft life for her visit. Bought jollof rice and turkey from one ajebo woman in Shomolu. Bought wine. Even bought puff-puff from that one Biobaku girl that always adds pepper like she has beef with the human tongue.

You’d think that was enough.

She showed up looking like every poor decision I’ve ever made in clear HD. Jeans skirt, butterfly top, and her lipgloss popping. Even my speaker was playing Asake on shuffle to set the mood. Everything was perfect.

We ate. We laughed. We “accidentally” watched Bridgerton for like 40 minutes without focusing. She kept calling me “you this boy” and smiling. Next thing I knew, she said…

“I want to pee real quick.”

Innocently. She went in.

10 minutes passed.

I assumed she was touching up makeup or replying a text. I didn’t stress it. Even offered her more wine when she came out, because that’s what a good host does.

She collected it.

Drank it, and Laughed.

Then left around 10pm.

Normal stuff, abi?

My own downfall started when I went to pee after seeing her off. I opened the toilet and the devil himself tapped me on the shoulder like, “Welcome to the battlefield.”

This babe had unleashed a Level 7 biological attack in my bathroom.

Not only did she defecate like a man who just escaped Kirikiri, she didn't flush!! Like, not even a halfway-flush attempt. It was just there. Staring at me. Judging me. The smell slapped me twice and whispered, “Na you invite am.”

I stood still for 5 minutes. My soul detached from my body. I couldn’t breathe. I started rebuking demons and calling on every deodorant I’ve ever known.

And the thing is—I’m not even mad that she pooed. We’re all human. But to leave your essence behind? In this economy? On top of my Prestige 1-bedroom mini flat in Bariga?

Do you know what it means for a man to mop his own toilet in anger at 11:20pm?

Since that day, I haven’t trusted anyone. If you say “BRB,” I get anxious. Anytime a girl says, “Can I use your bathroom?” I hold her bag hostage.

So Amaka, if you’re reading this, and you once used someone’s toilet and left memories behind...

I’m not saying I’m the one.

But I’m saying...

I’m still praying that God does not forgive you.

At least not this year.