Let’s just say… I’m no longer allowed in my church

One minute I was clapping for Jesus, the next I was nearly clapping cheeks behind the altar

CONFESSion FM – Season 4, Episode 1

Before I start, see, there are three things you should never mix:

• Konji

• A night vigil

• And a church that uses curtains instead of doors

So, there was this babe…Let’s call her Naomi.

I met Naomi last semester through our campus fellowship here in UniAbuja. She joined the choir as a singer and I’d been playing drums for the ministry for about a year. We met during praise rehearsal one evening at the beginning of the semester. I genuinely thought she was a fresher because I’d not seen her before. She smiled at me…one of those innocent, churchy smiles with those half dimple at the side. And just like that, this devil entered my eyes.

Naomi wasn’t just fine. She was anointedly fine (As in, Proverbs 31:30 kinda fine) She wore those long church skirts, but it somehow made her even hotter. Fearfully, Masterfully, and wonderfully… dangerously made.

At first it was harmless oh. She’d greet me after service, I’d help her carry her choir song notes. We started vibing innocently oh…Bible study, late-night prayers, checking up on each other.
Before I knew it, she started sending "good night" voice notes that sounded suspiciously like moans.

One time, she sent me a “good night” voice note. It started with “Sleep well… zaddy in the Lord” and ended with her breathing heavily like she just finished praise break.

That’s when I knew this girl was sent to finish my life.

Still, I held strong. I kept it holy.

Until one fateful Friday night.

We had a joint vigil with two other fellowships. Big program. Naomi and I got there early. They were still setting up. The lights were not fully set up, the choir was running soundcheck. The church auditorium was practically empty, just one or two ushers arranging chairs.

She said something like: “Let’s go and pray before people come.” In my mind, I was like… “Lead me, daughter of Zion.”

Naomi pulled me behind one of those purple curtains behind the altar. She said the Spirit told her to do personal worship (PS: I may be exaggerating, but you get😭).
I said, “Let’s pray”

We stood close. Her palm brushed against mine. She said she was cold, then I said “Holy Ghost fire.” She giggled.

And before I could say jack, this babe laid hands on me. Not spiritual laying on of hands oh. The other kind. Our tongues started speaking in new dialects…not the heavenly ones.

Before I knew it, zip down. Her hands went down too…
She whispered, “Are you sure nobody is coming?” I was about to answer...

Boom. Torchlight.

Real life Samsung phone torch with white energy-saving bulb.

Straight to my naked ass.

Naomi vanished instantly like a thief in the night. I didn’t even hear footsteps. She zipped up in like 0.3 seconds and disappeared

Omo I froze.

I was still trying to explain to the usher … “It’s not what it looks like”… but omo the guy didn’t even flinch. He just told me to come out and follow him to the pastor’s office.

Omo.

This was the same pastor that once told me I was “an inspiration to younger students” Now I was just “knacking inside church”

They said I had to go on three months disciplinary suspension. That I was a distraction to the ministry. One aunty even looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is why we don’t let drummers lead prayers.”

Naomi🤣? She told everyone I cornered her. Said I came with lustful spirit and ambushed her in the dark.

People sha believed her because na babe, and she sings with innocence. Me, I have deep voice and fast hands. They said I looked like someone that would do such.

Now, when I pass the fellowship area, people look away. One brother once asked if I was still “serving God… or just following women as always” Since then, I don’t go near curtains. Or vigils. Or Naomi, that witch.

So yeah. If you’re ever in church and the lights are dim, and a fine girl says “Let’s go and pray”…guy, run. Leave prayer. Just run.

And if the church uses curtain instead of door? Omo, change church.