First Time I Tried to Impress a Baddie, I Landed in a Cell

Sometimes na the go drip drown you.

I don’t know if I should start this story with advice or apology. But if I had sense, there would be no story… so let me just start…

There’s a particular type of girl that makes you forget you’re managing indomie in your house. Not because she’s rude or anything. Just soft. You see her and immediately feel underdressed and underpaid.
That was this babe, lets call her Aisha.

Aisha wasn’t loud. Didn’t talk much. But the day she turned around in class and I saw her sunglasses (indoors o💀), my spirit left my body. Even when she yawned, it looked expensive. You know when someone just carries main character energy and you’re in the background playing walk-on role? Yeah.

I, on the other hand, was deep in what I call my “Airtel Money era”. That time in your life when you check balance before accepting every outing. Broke but surviving. Using a Tecno Pop with a cracked screen and the dream that one day I too will belong.

So one day, my roommate, David, left his iPhone charging. He was rushing for his lab class and told me, “Just help me unplug if light goes.”
I nodded like a trustworthy friend. Then two minutes later, looked at the iPhone. Looked at my Tecno. Looked at myself. I knew his password.
Omo.

I didn’t plan anything. I just saw the opportunity and dressed like it was a scholarship interview. My Sunday polo. David’s perfume. David’s iPhone.
Even put on AirPods that weren’t connected to anything. I was fully in character.

When I walked into GNS that morning, I acted like I was just casually holding my phone … you know, hand rested on my chin, iPhone in full display, “crypto charts” open. I even made sure my screen had that motivational wallpaper that says Hustle in silence, let success make the noise.

And it actually worked.

Aisha turned to me during class and said, “Is that the latest iOS update?”
I smiled like someone whose uncle is in the US. “Yeah, just updated this morning. iOS 17.” (My spirit was shaking but omo I held it DOWN.)

After class, we somehow ended up walking together. To Hall 1 canteen, gisting about tech and music and why Android users should be arrested. She even touched my arm when she laughed. I almost proposed.

Then she said, “You’d like my cousin. He’s into tech too, let me call him.”

Fam. If I had sense, I would’ve just said “No need.” But how do you say no to a baddie?
That’s how her cousin pulled up. Black shades, chain, car with tinted windows. The kind of guy that enters a place and you immediately know your drip is fake.

He didn’t smile. Just said, “Na you dey do tech?”

I tried to form casual confidence. “Yeah, sort of. I’m learning product design, small crypto—”

“Let me see your phone.”

Before my brain could catch up, my hand had already obeyed. Gave him the phone like a Sunday offering.

He looked at it, raised his brow, then smiled. That kind of smile that smells like premium trouble.

“You’re not David.”

I froze. “Sorry?”

“This phone is registered to David. Block C, Room 4. I don’t know who you are. But you’re not tech anything.”

Long story short… this man was not only her cousin, but a tech crimes officer.
Apparently, Aisha had been scammed before and now she does background checks on guys who flex phones. And me, Mumu of the Year, had submitted myself for inspection.

Security was called. I ended up in a holding cell. No belt on my waist. No pride. Just me and my body odor, reflecting.

By morning, David came with his dad. A Yoruba man with walking stick, quiet anger, and too many proverbs.

He looked at me and said:

“The hand that borrows feathers to fly will be naked when the eagle comes home.”

I still don’t understand the full meaning. But I started crying.

In the end, they let me go. David forgave me. Aisha blocked me. Her cousin left me with one line:

“Try use your brain next time, bro.”

And me? I retired from baddie-chasing that day. Now I just greet from afar.
Lesson learnt.

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